Tuesday, January 29, 2008

(Everythings Just Fucking ) Peachy...

It's not my fault, it can't be my fault that you speak to me the way you do.
Now I'm split in two, I'm half me half you but I hate us both, don't you?

No of course you don't, of course you don't
You said life is peachy without me
Of course you don't, of course you don't
You said life is peachy without me

It's not your fault, it can't be your fault that I let you crawl inside my head
Cause you know my places, and know that face but I hate this taste, don't you?

No of course you don't, of course you don't
You said life is peachy without me
Of course you don't, of course you don't
You said life is peachy without me


Lyrics by Missy Higgins

Monday, January 28, 2008

Steak Versus Hamburger...


I got a text message from hubby last Wednesday afternoon. Simply stating that he wouldn't be home tonight.

I messaged him back...

Me: So where will you be then?

No answer. About ten minutes later I messaged again.

Me: Never mind about it. I'll feed your steak to Chopper.

Hubby: I'll come home for steak.

That was at about six o'clock...

Nine o'clock came and went. The phone rang. It was him. Telling me he was too drunk to come home for steak. I told him I hadn't cooked it anyway. Because what had been the point? He stayed the night at Twink's.

I went to work the next day. When I finished I drove home. His car was out the front but he wasn't here. I called him. He was at the Pub. He'd missed work and was on the piss. He got a taxi here about five. I was sitting on the veranda; plucking my legs and drinking beer. He patted me on the shoulder and told me he was Sorry. For not coming home. I presumed.

I mentioned that Fido had called to see if I was going to Trivia. He told me that he was too pissed to watch little Son right now and needed to have a lay down. I called pizza and went to collect it. When I got back he was fast asleep on the lounge. A little while later; with little Son happily playing his Nintendo and eldest Son using the computer I told him I was going out to play Trivia for a while. When I got back, a little after ten, they were all fast asleep in bed.

Friday morning I went to work. After work I picked up little Son from hubby's sister's house and drove him over to Grandma's for the night. I was at home waiting for hubby to get back when my phone rang. He was already at Twink's and wanted me to bring him a change of clothes. A few minutes later he rang back and told Me not to worry about it. He was going to borrow a shirt off Twink. I drove down the Pub and planted Myself next to Mac; I asked him his opinion of what I had 'done' to Wemmaly by busting her out to her Ex. He told me (along with almost everybody who knows except for Twink and hubby) that I had done the only thing I could have done. Hubby and Twink; Well. They disagree with what I did and said I should have just waited for her to pop up whenever she was good and ready.

Anyway; pretty soon I was off my head. Then Twink got a phone call from C (my old mate from work). She had asked Twink, hubby and Myself up to her house for the night. Hubby asked me if I wanted to come up for Chinese and beer. I said okay and we left. Twink drove. When he filled up with fuel he forgot to put the petrol cap back on. Now he owes me a new one.

Anyway; the night up there went fine. Hubby and I were getting on okay. Maybe something to do with being away from the Pub and the Wemmaly crisis. About two in the morning C got out a few mattresses and chucked them on the floor for us. We kissed for a bit and then he fucked me. It had been a few weeks; and it was nice. Afterwards we fell asleep holding onto each other.


Saturday morning we reheated the leftover Chinese for breakfast and then Twink drove us back in time for him to play cricket. Hubby and I stayed for the match and then went up to the Pub. Jen Jen and Daz joined us and so did Angie. She made a beeline straight for my table.

After a few at the Pub we decided to go back to Twink's. Wemmaly was in her bedroom with the door shut. I left her alone; I know she wasn't ready for any sort of confrontation with me just yet. I sat downstairs with Jen Jen and Angie and the others, still drinking together and having a laugh. Anyway; about midnight I noticed hubby going upstairs. And when he wasn't back in under five minutes I went looking.

I saw him through the crack of the open door. Talking to Wemmaly. I admit it pissed me off; him in there having a private conversation that I wasn't privvy to. I pushed the door open and saw the surprised look on his face. I grabbed him by the scruff of the shirt and half-pulled half-dragged him out of the room; telling him to get the fuck downstairs and tell me what was going on.

Wemmaly skipped out past us; down the stairs ignoring me. Then she got into hubby's car (he had lent it to her for the long weekend so she didn't have to get taxi's to and from work) and drove away. I haven't seen her since. But that's the way she wants it.

Hubby and I were still into it. I was yelling and screaming out the front of Twink's; I smashed a bottle of beer on the road. I was hitting him in the head and face asking him to explain himself and what he'd been up to. Because I KNEW something was up. I just didn't know then Who or What it was. He was just being really evasive about what his conversation was about.

I called a Taxi and told him to stay there the night. Again. But he got in the taxi when it pulled up and we left. The poor driver didn't know what had hopped in. When we pulled up at the lights I jumped out and ran through the park; leaving him to pay the fare. I half-ran the two kilometres home. When I got home I turned my cigarette lighter upside down; heated it up to burning and then stuck it on my forearm. I haven't done that since I was seventeen. I'd forgotten how it takes the shit away; however briefly.

He got home about ten minutes after I did. I cornered him. He wanted to go to sleep. I wasn't going to let him without knowing the Truth.

I asked him Who. I asked him When. He didn't want to tell me. I screamed at him to look me in the eye. He told me he couldn't. I made him fucking cry, People. But I got it out of him eventually.

He told me. Angie. Wednesday night. That they had just 'fooled around' on the bed.

Just wait until I see that Bitch...

Anyway; it got Better. If you can believe that.

After a night of tears and fighting I got up and went to work Sunday morning. My work friend Suey saw the burn on my arm and I told her I'd done it on the iron. She said it was weird how it had burned into the shape of an A. Not that funny; I'd say it was ironic. In the extreme sense of the word.

When I got home hubby and I went down to the Fishing Club barbecue. I apologised to Mac for breaking the beer out the front of his house and he said he hadn't heard a thing. Except for Twink throwing Angie around the bedroom next to his while he was fucking her. My mind started to boggle.

When we got home hubby and I sat out on the veranda. I asked him if Twink had fucked Angie. He said yes. Then he told me that Golden Shower Boy was with her last week too. I asked him if he had fucked her too. He looked away and didn't say a word. It told me Everything. A few minutes later he got a text from GSB. I asked hubby what GSB wanted. He told me I could read it if I wanted. I did.

GSB: I fucked her first. I don't care about her; just want to say it goes to show what sort of mate you are.

I lost my appetite and didn't want dinner. I sat out on the veranda drinking beer. Then I went and got my phone. And texted Angie.

Me: I hear you've had a busy week. Thanks for fucking my husband. I hope you wore a condom after fucking GSB. I thought you were better than that Angela.

She didn't respond. Lucky for her.

Maybe I should be more angry and upset with hubby right now. But right now all I can think about is the Town Bike who claimed to be my friend.


Thursday, January 24, 2008

Goof's Good Intentions...

Below are actual text messages from Wemmaly; my good and beautiful friend who has a seventeen year on/off relationship with heroin. My friend of twenty three years. She was staying with me and my kids for a month and then moved into with my good friend Twink and Mac. Last Thursday I dropped her off at a house. To get Naltrexone. She had no shoes or money. She didn't go home for seven days. I was frantic. Especially knowing she is working as a prostitute. I went back to the house twice trying to find her. I even left a note with my mobile number on it. I also rang her work; looking for her. Trying to see if she was okay. They said they hadn't seen her since Tuesday either.

So I did the Unforgiveable. At my wits end with worry I rang her Ex; Willy.

And spilled the beans. The whole shit and shebang.

What have I done?

W: Fuck you. Fuck you. You are no friend of mine. You are the evilest bitch I have ever come across. The one thing I asked you never to do. What the fuck do you think he could do? Why tell him anything? You are a fucking cow.The one thing in life that keeps me going. The one person in my life that I care for and love. You have destroyed it. I have nothing left to live for. Nothing.

W:Well fuck off and fuck you bitch. There was no reason to do that. No reason at all. I don't want you in my life at all. So fuck off and watch someone else's car crash. Mine is over.

W:You have destroyed it with one phone call. I have nothing left. His love was all I had. Do you understand what you have done? I have nothing. It's all over. Whay would you do that? I have nothing left. I have nothing. This is it; I don't think you understand what you have done to me.

W: It's over.

W: I do love you, Goof. But you have broken my heart and trust.

W: I text Willy. I am going to deny working. He won't handle it. He is so upset. He told his brother's and our friends. Now everyone knows. I have nothing left Goof. Nothing. I don't understand why. He couldn't have helped. You knew more than him. I can't believe you did it. You need to learn confidentiality between friends. This has detroyed anything that was good in my life. It's ruined me and Willy. His family and my friendships. I knew I should never have told you. I don't know if I can come back from this. I was going to end my life last night. I still feel like it now. It hurts so much. I have nothing left Goof.

W: There were people that loved me. But not now. It's all over for me. He was my world and now it's all gone. I have nothing left to live for. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to feel this hurt. It's too much.

W: There was nothing to worry about. I am an adult and have been taking care of myself for 33 years. You have managed to ruin it all in one phone call. I know you wouldn't do it intentionally, but it's all gone. I don't know what to do now. I just don't know what to do. Please don't interfere anymore. Good intentions or not.

The Story...

I wrote the Story in my head...

But right now I can't bring Myself to write it.


Wednesday, January 23, 2008


I'll just throw the chips and salad away then; shall I?

I bet you only wanted to hear Me tell you to come home.

I doubt you ever intended doing it.

I'm a sucker.

Talk to You later.

It's Not Over...

I try to see the good in life.
But good things in life are hard to find.
I'll blow it away, blow it away
Can we make this something good?

(Well I'll try to do to right this time around)
It's not over,
I'll try to do it right this time around
It's not over
There's a part of me that's dead and in the ground.
This love is killing me
But you're the only one
It's not over.

I've taken all I can take
And I cannot wait
We've wasted too much time
Being strong, holding on
Can't let it bring us down

My life with you means everything
So I won't give up that easily
I'll blow it away, blow it away
Can we make this something good?

Cause it's all misunderstood

Lyrics by Chris Daughtry

Tuesday, January 22, 2008


Yesterday I felt like a bitch for not buying enough presents for Little Son's birthday.

He was six; for those of you playing along at home.

We got him a torch. And a Scooby Doo DVD. And a box of Lego. A cake. And KFC for tea.

Not enough; by Anyone's standard.

I want to tell You All what's been going on since I last wrote; unfortunately hubby is here at the moment and I can't stand to think about everything that's been going on.

It's not a permanent thing; him being home. Just for the moment.

Monday, January 14, 2008



Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people’s mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

Mika's Words Of Wisdom...

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Happy Ending

Lyrics by Mika

Thursday, January 10, 2008

The Hand That Rocks The Cradle...

So I went back to work the day after New Year...

I rang hubby when I was done.

Me: What you up to? I'll pick us up some lunch on the way home if you like.

Hubby: We're just about to go down to the Park.

Me: Who is?

Hubby: Me. And Wemmaly. And (as an after thought) little Son and Chopper.

Me: I'll just wait then and get something on the way then.

I met up with them down the Park. With kebabs. And chicken nuggets. The whole shit and she-bang. You have no idea what I was feeling when I turned up. They were still on their way down there but I was already feeling like the Outsider. Okay; so hubby takes the dog and Our child to the park every now and then; but This was different...

Not according to him.

So; Wemmaly walked up the shops after lunch to get some cigarettes. And we went home.

It was Thursday. Trivia night. Wemmaly told me that she would mind the kids for me. We got stuff to cook for hotdogs and hubby and I left for the Pub. We found out that trivia was off for the night but decided to stay for dinner at the bistro. At least I think that's what happened.

A short time later hubby had put some money through the Pokies. He was sitting with Golden Shower Boy at the table; trying to start an argument about Wemmaly and why I'm jealous of her and hubby going to the Park with my kid and my dog. But by this time I'm so fucking over it. Well and fucking Truly.

Me: I'm going to get another beer.

When I came back they had gone. Kasper told me that I'd only just gone to the bar and they had walked off. So much for dinner. I stayed for another beer and then caught a taxi home. On the way home I got a phone call. It was hubby. Wanting to know what my problem was.

Me: Nothing; no problem. I'm in a taxi. On the way home.

Hubby: Good. ( The Inferred message was About Fucking Time)

I got home. Hubby wasn't here. I later found out he was at Twink's. Wemmaly was doing a basket of laundry; folding up my hubby's socks and undies into neat balls. I told her to quit it. Because it was freaking the Fuck out of me.

NB I haven't told You All that they also went on an 'Outing' to the shops either; when I was asleep after work one day last week Wemmaly wanted some DVD's and took it upon herself to take hubby and little Son in my car for the drive.

Call me a Retard. I don't care.

But Don't shit in someone else's nest.

Especially when I'm trying my fucking hardest to put this Shit back together.

No More.

Now I'm just a jealous fucker. How dare I sully everything good and pure and innocent about hubby's 'friendship' with Wemmaly? Who do I think I am anyway?

Except his fuckhead Wife?

I sat up with Wemmaly for a few hours. Nutting it out. Telling her that it was hubby who had come up with the euphemism for her that had pissed me off so well and good. Do you want to know what it was that he called her? My childhood friend since I was ten? My heroin-addicted-prostituting Buddy who I have all the time in the World for?

Ready for it?

The Hand That Rocks The Cradle.

I told Wemmaly this. She was horrified that he would think that way. I told her to get used to it.

She left the next morning. She's staying at Twink's. In his spare room.

Now I've lost her.


Friday, January 04, 2008

It's All About Me...

So where was I?

Oh yeah...

Hubby moved over and I jumped into little Son's bed beside him. It felt good knowing that at least if we broke up again then the last time he touched me wasn't with his hands around my throat banging my head into a wall.

Oh Readers! What am I doing?

He stayed the next night too. When we spoke about what was happening he said that he would like to move back in but that it was uncomfortable with Wemmaly still sleeping on the lounge. He doesn't like tip-toeing around the house in the morning. So we decided to keep it casual; him staying at his mother's through the week and coming home here on the weekends to my place. Problem is that since his accident at work he hasn't been Back to work. His holidays started early and he's not due back until the seventh of January. He hasn't slept at his mother's house at all except for Christmas Eve.

Christmas was shit by the way. We had it at my Sister's house. She rang hubby and told him he was still invited regardless of what was going on between us. His mother didn't give me the same consideration. Apparently you stop being a part of someone's family when you break up. (It was only after I cried to hubby that she bothered to invite me over for their Boxing Day ritual at all; and it serves her right- she deserved the guilt trip).

So hubby arrived Christmas afternoon. He'd had Christmas lunch at his mother's friends house. He played with little Son and made comment on the lack of presents I'd bought for both the kids. I told him Santa was broke this year. Still; we didn't fight. Not once. And we went to sleep with our arms around each other.

Boxing Day morning we left early for his Mother's. We had lunch and the kids opened their presents. I felt stupid being there; like an Outsider. My sister-in-law (she's not even that; how can she be when I never married hubby?) was grilling me over what's been going on with hubby. I felt uncomfortable and left out and so about two I decided to leave. Mother-in-law was happy to keep the kids for the night. So hubby and I left.

We went down the Pub. That was probably the first mistake. Then hubby put most of the money his Mother had just given him for Christmas through the Pokies and then got the shits about it. We were only on our second or third beer when he decided he'd had enough and was going to the hamburger shop and then getting a taxi home. I told him I'd get my own way home and stayed with Mac. A little while later his ex-girlfriend showed up. They were going up to Magic's for a post-Christmas drink. I happily went with them knowing that Magic's house was half-way home to my house. I stayed for two drinks and a bowl of fried rice and then walked the rest of the way.

I got home just on eleven o'clock. Wemmaly was having a smoke on the back veranda. She said that hubby had only just gone to bed and they'd been sitting up talking. 'How nice'; I thought. He never does that when it's just me and him. I never get a conversation out of him. She told me that he'd told her he was sick of seeing me drink all the time; that's all I ever wanted to do. Funny. He'd neglected to tell her that he'd put all his money through the Pokies after only a few beers and that's why I had stayed behind when he had left.

Seems like he can only talk when he has an audience that appreciates him.

I had to work the next day; on the way I sent him a text saying how nice it was of him to sit up slandering me with my friend and that he was the fucktard who had put all his Christmas money through a machine and yet ironically it was Me who a problem. He ignored it.

I spewed twice at work from my hangover. When I finally got home I went straight to sleep. About six o'clock I got up hungry. I texted hubby to see if he wanted a kebab for dinner. He rang. Asked me what I was being nice for Now after yesterday and the txt this morning. I told him it was a simple question I'd asked. About a kebab. He told me he was having dinner with Twink. I told him Good.

A few hours later he rocked up. Acted like nothing had happened. Then he said he was going to sleep in eldest Son's room later and went to lay down on the couch. Wemmaly was sitting on the floor watching television. I told him I wanted a word. In private.
That if was going to stay at the house then he was going to sleep in our bed. With me. Because nothing will work out if we don't be with each other. He came to bed but only after saying that if I didn't get a grip mentally and stop doing all the things he hates about me then it is finished.

The next day was New Year's eve. I worked until two and dashed home to get showered and changed. Little Son got picked up to go and watch the fireworks with Grandma and we met up with Twink and Mac down the Pub. Then we left for Jase's house where the party was to be held.

We swam all afternoon; drinking and playing water polo. About six Wemmaly rang to see what we were up to. I gave her the address and she said she'd be up within an hour or so. Two hours later it was dark. Hubby was bored of swimming and suggested we walk down to Sandsey's party where Mac and the rest of the Pub were. We got dressed out near the pool and came in to say our goodbyes. And then Wemmaly turned up.

Well; the mood changed. Suddenly hubby wanted to go back in for a swim. I was standing there in my jeans and joggers and ready to go. It shit me off. I told him to go back in, then. He said he wanted to do what I wanted to do. I told him we'd already decided what that was. I went back up to the esky to pack up our grog. When I came back I stood by the pool gate listening to what he was saying to Twink and Wemmaly, who were in the pool. Basically; he was telling them I had the shits and wanted to leave and that he was only going because I was upset. I piped up.

Me: I'm over here listening you know. Why make out it's me who wants to go? It was your idea. Now you've changed your mind and you're making me out to be a fuckwit just to cover your arse.

I'd let out his secret. If looks could kill.

I could see Wemmaly getting upset; thinking this was all over her turning up. Maybe it was. He only showed an interest in staying after she had showed up.

Anyway; we left for Sandsey's party. He has a beautiful big house with three decks overlooking the City. We had a great view of the fireworks at midnight and then we talked (or rather hubby did) about making our relationship work out in the new year. I have to cut out the drugs and alcohol. I guess he will have to oversee this; because he officially has no problems. Just ask him.

It's all about Me.

Just after one we left; Mac and Shazza walked with us through the park. Then old Lloyd joined us. We were walking down a steep rocky path when old Lloyd suddenly started going faster and faster until the poor old bugger fell down, splitting his head open and falling on his pewter beer mug, crushing it flat. He'd knocked himself out, poor thing. When I got to him he had bark off everywhere and was bleeding from the head. At least that would explain why I had blood on my shoes the next day.

Hubby told me to leave him there; it was his own drunken fault if he'd had to much piss to drink. I told him I wasn't going to leave a 66 year old in the park with a head wound. Old Lloyd solved the problem for us; he told me he was okay but that he'd shit himself and to just leave him with Mac and Shazza. Hubby couldn't get away quick enough.

Back at Twink's we put some music on.(Twink and Wemmaly had tried to find Sandsey's but had gone to the wrong place so Wemmaly had taken a taxi back to my house. Twink said she had seemed upset because she thought that we had dumped her at Jase's. That's not true. We just wanted to go to a different party where there weren't any kids to see us getting off our faces.) About two hubby went to bed in Twink's spare room. About three he came down and turned the music off. He grabbed me by the arm and told me it was time to go to sleep. I felt like a child. Twink told him to pull his head out of his arse and turned the music back on. Louder. I went to bed so as not to cause a fuss.

He didn't try to fuck me. He put his back to me and went to sleep.

And all I wanted was a cuddle.